


We Found (and lost)

by aroceu



Series: K-Pop Crossovers [8]
Category: SHINee, f(x)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Dubious Consent, Experimental Style, F/F, F/M, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 04:11:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroceu/pseuds/aroceu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But I'll hold onto your secrets in white houses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Found (and lost)

**Author's Note:**

> Not my best effort /o\ Written to Vanessa Carlton's _White Houses_

When she tells them that they're moving in with her friends, the first thing she hears is  _we_  and then  _them_.  
  
And  _she_  is someone beautiful, one of the constant facts in Luna's life.  _She_  is Krystal, with her long black hair like the stray lines on paper that you doodle in class, and a few days later you'll look back on those lines and smile. Krystal with her perfect legs and eyes like the clearest drops of water, endless and addictive.  
  
She doesn't like sharing Krystal, and when Luna hears  _my friends_ , they sound odd, because Luna is one of her friends, isn't she? But Luna also loves the sound of Krystal's voice, and Krystal's stain glass smile, and everything about Krystal. So Luna says  _okay_ ; her heart says,  _it's okay_.  
  
*  
  
Her friends are boys and girls and they greet Luna with warm, open mouthed smiles. Luna thinks for a moment that Krystal looks a bit like them; then,  _no, they don't._  
  
Because one boy is kind of small and another boy is funny-looking, and the girls have long hair and short hair and neither of them are like Krystal at all. Krystal stands to the side, looking at Luna like  _what do you think?_  and Luna smiles at her, tries to be happy.  
  
Another boy is looking at her too long,  _too long_ , and Luna doesn't know if she should feel uncomfortable. She does. But the boy is nice and shows her her room, and Luna says,  _Thank you._  
  
_This summer is going to be awesome,_  says one of the girls at dinner, because this is what they are here for. Luna is living with Krystal with her friends for a whole summer—perhaps, next year for university, too.  
  
Luna is living with Krystal. So it's okay.  
  
*  
  
One girl says,  _we should do fun stuff every day!_  Luna recalls her name being Amber.  
  
Krystal laughs at her: Krystal laughs at everything. She even laughs at some things that Luna says, even though Luna doesn't think she's very funny. But she likes this about Krystal, open-mouthed laugh, dusty pink lips parted. The deep redness of her mouth.  
  
Luna wants to swallow her whole.  
  
_What kind of fun stuff?_  says a lazy boy in the corner. Jonghyun.  
  
They're all sat on the couches in the smallish living room. The television is playing. Luna doesn't think any of them are paying attention to it.  
  
_Go out, have fun,_  says Amber, and giggles.  _Get drunk._  
  
_I'd like to see you drunk,_  says Key, and they all laugh.  
  
The boy sitting next to Luna nudges her. He's the boy who'd stared at her on the first day. Onew, Luna thinks.  
  
_Luna, what do you think?_  he asks, and they all look at her.  
  
Luna stammers,  _I-I don't know._  
  
*  
  
They don't go out and get drunk, but Key comes home with a twelve pack of bottled beer a few days later. Luna is working on her summer homework when she hears his voice call out around the apartment,  _I've brought the booze!_  
  
Luna's heart sinks; Krystal, who's sitting across from her, having been working on her summer homework too, lights up. She beams at Luna, pulling a smile out of her as well.  
  
_Wonder how he did it,_  she says, before scrambling up and dashing out of their room.  
  
_Their_  room. Luna bites her lip and looks around. She can hear the commotion from outside; this doesn't feel like their apartment. But at least here, she has their room. The dorm that they had stayed in before—she and Krystal, it's how they'd met—had been a bit bigger than their bedroom, but smaller than this apartment. This feels like a corner, a little closed off space in the world just for them. She feels that they are closer here; Krystal says goodnight before the lights go out, and her breathing seems closer than usual.  
  
Luna wonders what would happen if she would tell her, one day. If she were to go over, press those soft lips against hers—  
  
A head appears in the doorway but it's Onew's. He's grinning at her.  
  
_Aren't you going to join us?_  he asks, and Luna gets up, with no place to run.  
  
*  
  
She doesn't join them in getting drunk and when all of them seem occupied with each other and it's late enough, she escapes back to her bedroom. She pulls out her notebook and sighs.  
  
She feels too damn alone.  
  
She doesn't work on her homework, instead just stares into space and thinks of all the  _could be_ s. Krystal's arms, around her, Krystal and maybe her fingers getting lost in Luna's, under little twinkling stars or rays of color. Photos and snapshots of laughter, sounds of just girls, the smell of flowers. Space getting smaller and smaller until she and Krystal are tangled together, lost and soaring alone, feeling more or less brighter than the summer sun—  
  
The door opens. Krystal comes stumbling in, and she's laughing.  
  
_Luna,_  she says.  _You should've seen what Amber—are you okay?_  Her face contorts into a strange worried frown, as happens when she consumes too much alcohol.  
  
Luna shakes her head and forces on a strained smile.  _I'm fine,_  she says, but Krystal is already coming to her bed. She collapses on her shoulder, and Luna can smell the alcohol from her mouth. Damn her.  
  
_You sure?_  she murmurs, lips uncomfortably close to Luna's ear. Luna nods, neck stiff.  
  
Krystal sighs. Luna sighs she doesn't mind the smell of her alcohol.  
  
_I'm glad I can always count on you,_  says Krystal. Her voice doesn't sound steady.  _Sometimes I wish I could be you. I'm jealous of you sometimes, you know._  
  
_Don't be,_  Luna says, and almost loses herself when Krystal falls asleep against her.  
  
*  
  
The night goes that she lets Krystal sleep on her bed, and then climbs under Krystal's covers instead. It's foreign, smells like flowery shampoo and the peach body soap that Luna sees in the showers. She buries her nose into the blankets, the pillows, tries not to touch herself.  
  
She wishes that Krystal would be awake enough to do the same in her bed. If Krystal would think about her at all.  
  
*  
  
In the morning her bed is already empty, and the six of them are in the dining room nursing their hangovers. That's the polite way of saying it, though Key looks recovered enough and says,  _We need more nights like last night_  and Luna feels out of place.  
  
Summer days are lazy days, and she stays in her room to work, or to do something or other, avoiding the others who are watching television together or playing games or getting high, Luna doesn't know. She's already secluded herself in this area; sometimes Krystal joins her, because she's Krystal, but today she's out with the others, because she's Krystal.  
  
She's already grown, and Luna is still blooming.  
  
Heat presses around her and she tries to smile, smelling the sugar that had filled her nose the night before. But the room is different without Krystal in it—Luna loses herself, wonders where she is.  
  
*  
  
They do get drunk later tonight, but Krystal says to her,  _Luna, join us_ , and, you know Luna, she can't stop. She does.  
  
Krystal's so loud—she laughs at everything Jonghyun says, falls when Amber teases her. Key finishes his bottle first and says,  _We should play spin the bottle,_  and Krystal jumps,  _Spin the bottle, yes!_  She stands up and sits back down and everyone laughs and Luna can't tell if she's joined them or not. Krystal tries drinking but it's stifled by her laughter; she snorts it through her nose and everyone laughs again. Luna doesn't think she's seen anything more mystifying.  
  
Key takes his empty bottle and spins it. It lands on Amber, and they do it, quicker than Luna can see it, and then Key wipes his mouth and says,  _That was gross._  Amber laughs and pushes him.  
  
In the back of her mind, Luna wonders if Key likes girls.  
  
Onew is next and it lands on Jonghyun. Victoria lands on Key. Luna lands on Jonghyun.  
  
Jonghyun laughs and says,  _It'll be over in a second_ , holds her face and presses his bitter mouth against hers. It's not terrible, but Luna likes the taste of flowers, better.  
  
She's had a couple bottles to drink, herself.  
  
When Krystal spins, it lands on Luna. Luna's heart jumps and Krystal takes her face without warning, presses a messy one right on her mouth.  
  
Luna's stomach flips and her insides feel like they're drowning. Krystal pulls away and giggles and says,  _That was fun._  
  
When it's Victoria's turn to spin the bottle again, Luna gets up and says quietly,  _I'm going to go to sleep now._  
  
*  
  
She doesn't, just holes herself up in her room and sort of wants to cry. She doesn't know why she's not; she can't even remember what Krystal's mouth had tasted like. If it'd been sweet and fragrant as she hoped.  
  
She hates drinking alcohol.  
  
There's a knock at her doorway. It's Krystal, she knows, and she doesn't respond as someone comes close to her and gathers her in their arms, all broad and warm and kissing her on the forehead and asking her if she's okay—  
  
It's not Krystal. It's Onew.  
  
Luna looks up. In the dark, she can see Onew's blurred, earnest eyes. She wonders what kind of drunk Onew is. But certainly a kind one, if he is holding her like this.  
  
_Luna, are you all right?_  Onew says, and Luna says,  _I'm fine, I'm fine._  Onew is too warm; Luna wishes to feel the breeze between his arms, a small reminder that she is still alive. So that she can hold onto Krystal tighter.  
  
Onew takes her and leans forward and kisses her on the mouth. He's all sweat and alcohol, salty—nothing Luna likes, but she takes it, with her own arms around her. Onew kisses her and kisses her and Luna feels dazed, but not—not entirely  _empty_ , not there, and they hear noises from outside and Onew says,  _Let's go to my car,_  and Luna says,  _Okay._  
  
*  
  
Gently and slowly they fuck and it hurts and Luna's crying out, sure she's bleeding—Onew is whispering into her ear,  _it's okay, it's okay._  The car seats are sticky against her back and her shirt is pulled half-up and he's kissing her stomach and Luna is made of glass, ready to break at any moment.  
  
She thinks of Krystal as Onew tugs at her, the steam and the fog filling her vision; this is nothing like flowers, nothing like sugar, only raw gasoline and she sinks into the leather, wanting to be forgotten. She cries out softly, saving no secrets tonight.  
  
*  
  
He's wearing the same red shirt the next morning and greets her with a smile. She barely glances at him.  
  
Krystal asks her,  _what's wrong?_  and it's sober Krystal now but the answer is still the same,  _nothing._  She wants nothing. She feels nothing.  
  
She leaves with the wounds on the last day of summer. Living here had been a lie; all of them are specks of dust. But she is gone now: gone are the cloudy days, fast sex in the backs of cars. She doesn't know where she is anymore.  
  
She never looks back.


End file.
